Everyone thinks I am addicted to you. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I used to joke with you and tell you… I’m obsessed with you. You’d agree and say you were too. We laughed. It was innocent and perhaps I did not realize the connotation or how right there in front of us was a brutal truth neither of us wanted to admit.

I still don’t want to admit it.

I am not admitting it but I am acting as if it is true. Moreso as a way to navigate the distance and the steadfastness of how I cannot have any interaction or contact with you.

Damn though are there some steps a girl can take? AA has the 12 step program. I wonder if I should research it and apply it. Let me see…

Step 1: Admit we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives have become unmanageable.

So to the first part; am I powerless over you? No. I am not powerless. **Oops, maybe that is why people who have an addiction relapse. Because they do not recognize that the addiction is bigger than themselves and that they need to surrender to the it. (I watched a lot of Intervention)**

I need to dive deeper on this one. I am reluctant to say that it is YOU I am addicted to. I don’t like it. On some level it cheapens what we shared.

It implies that what we had was a means to an end. Alcoholics once the addiction is bad, do not care what form the buzz comes in. It should just be cheap, fast, and straight to the point. I never understood drinkers that preferred beer. It is not that cheap and it gets you bloated. It doesn’t even taste that good especially when you’re doing a cheap Budweiser or any other equivalent. It is needed daily, who wants to carry a case of beer home each day.

Its not fun. But I get, it is not about the beer, it is the buzz. To at once get lost and found. Losing consciousness and finding the surge of dopamine.

You are not my Bud Light.

You were my whiskey sour, my perfect margarita, my Old Fashioned, my crispy cold Sauvignon Blanc. The bourbon barrels and vines, and tannins and sunsets. You were fun, tasteful, artistic, and… well, intoxicating.

Whichever form, it felt good. It just felt right. It felt like it could be right if it wasn’t always so wrong.

And to the second point ‘has my life become unmanageable’? This one, might be truer. For me. Well, I am managing. Maybe not thriving. I have been able to excel in since I have known you, in my life I became better. I cannot honestly say this was a result of you being in my life but still a testament that my life has been manageable. I still manage but it is hard. The relationship cause me a lot of problems. I’m not on the street, homeless etc. But I wonder if there was less trouble, what could have been.

After working through this, I cannot say I am addicted to you.

I am addicted to receiving partial love. Love that is mixed with pain.
I’m addicted to giving more than I receive.
I’m addicted to dysfunction.
I’m addicted to being invisible.

I’m going to work on it but I’m still uncomfortable using the term addiction. It is about patterns and breaking them. Believing that a healthy relationship is possible. Understanding I have entered and acted in relationships with an unhealthy mindset. Taking accountability. And getting sober, clear and free, from the unhealthy thing that is not serving you any more.

xx