Dear You,

The whole point of these letters is for me to process all of the thoughts running through my head now that I cannot and will not reach out to you. The present and pressing thoughts ever so available after the tragic way we ended, this most recent time (11/6), but also all of the little in between moments that were special. And even the dark moments that I need to explore and examine, process, heal and let go of.

Like right now even the thought of driving to or through Bridgeport and Fairfield (I don’t know why it is extended to Fairfield too but it is) gives me a jolt of anxiety. It is too close to you and to close to seeing you with someone or too much for me resisting the urge to drive by your house, seeing a car, and reliving the dramas and traumas from past days.

I want to be Free and heal from it all. I want to be clear. It helps to write. It helps to feel like you will hear and see it too, oddly. Not sure what to make of that.

It might be purely selfish of me because I have the platform to speak to you or at you. It could be an opportunity for you to understand me better, maybe. You could always comment on a post. You could write your own letter back to me…

Even as I write that I know it is wishful thinking. I wish you would reciprocate and write back but I think it will be unlikely. It is ever apparent now the idea that maybe me wanting you to see this is still another way I am holding on to the idea that by me doing something more so that you actually see me. Maybe you change and are ready to commit to me because you have big moment where you read one letter and it all just… clicks. Fantasy. Miracles.

Not hard for me to understand why fantasy and miracles or… magic would play a role in our story. You’d get it, only you.

I will keep these letters just for me for now but if the universe provides a moment for you to ever see them, in one way or another, I think it could be good. But who knows, can I even trust myself right now? I don’t even know what would be good now. Hard to know.

xx