Hey You, FJH

Welp. Haven’t written in 5 days. Now I’m just missing you like crazy. You viewed my LinkedIn page yesterday. I thought you might reach out. Little things like that fuck with my head. I am rather certain you saw me on your page or something and just clicked my profile. You probably did it by accident. I do not truly believe you were actually looking for me. Or that you miss me the way I miss you. I do not believe that. I want to believe it but I do not.

Where we are at is good. We really cannot have any contact. One glance or touch and we will be right back where we shouldn’t be. You need to grow and move on and so do I. I’m going through a lot in my life right now and what I need from the people around me, you cannot give me. I need love and empathy. Compassion and honesty.

I wish you could be my person. I wanted you to be. I wanted so much for us and I thought it was going to happen.

I do not blame you. You need to be selfish right now. Live a bachelor life and answer to no one. Find yourself. Be the man you are meant to be without another persons approval.

Incidentally, that is exactly what I am doing too. I am breaking down all the lies I have been telling myself and that others have been telling me. Picking up the pieces, throwing them away, walking away a new person.

Do you think we would still love each other as our new people? If we had the connection we had as caterpillars would it carry over to butterflies? If I think about you in the cocoon will I remember you when I fly away? Right now I hope so. Maybe our new beautiful, colorful, mature butterfly asses will get shit right this time? It would take a miracle. But my corny optimistic ass does believe in miracles. I really do.

Last week was really a tough one. Well since 11/7, I’ve been kind of leaning hard on drinks… wine and whiskey sours. I drank that whole GALLON you bought. Not proud of that but oh well.

I visited my sister and came back and drank wine. Today I will stop that. I bought the gummies I told you I wanted so I will start getting back in the gym and using them at night. I deserve to take care of myself and be healthy. I feel better, I look better, I do more and I am generally better when I drink less and work out more.

I haven’t felt inspired to work at all but today I do. I am putting together an event for WES at the vineyard you did not like. Its good you didn’t like it then I do not have to worry I might bump into you there.

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment in the building we saw Dr. Rosa, literally one street from your house. It put me in a pretty bad mood, firstly the appointment was stressful and painful, and also just being in that area. I did not drive by your house. Old me would have. I don’t know why, I guess to upset myself? To see a strange car and feel bad again… yea not healthy.

But I still thought about you constantly. I do every day. Several times a day. I think about our past and different things we did. Jokes. I think about what you are up to. If you are okay. If you are eating well and sleeping. Are you making progress, healing yourself? Are you healthy? Have you fallen in love yet? Do you think about me, miss me? It is a really strong connection, I think we have. Had? I do not know.

I got pizza from a place in my town yesterday, you’d hate it. It reminds me of that place you brought me to one night in January 2018. We met right after you ghosted me for a week after the night you came to my house for dinner. Remember? We met at a bar before, in Fairfield. It was a Monday, I had my event for WES at Fortina and them met with you. You were a mess. So was I. I should have walked away that night.

You get upset when I say things like this but how I see it is, we could have avoided two years of the best love and the worst pain (for me) of our lives. I think the universe would have put us together again and we would have had a better shot, down the road. I feel guilt and remorse that I did not walk way then but I was hooked. I was already in love with you. I was dunzo. I needed to see how it played out but I knew better. I tried my best to make it work.

I feel equal parts regret and peace for sticking around. That night was the first night I ever heard of a person named April (Gym). Ugh, even seeing that fills me with anger. We will refer to her as The Friend. I never even heard of this person prior to that night, she never even came up. The Friend would be a permanent destructive fixture of whatever we tried to do from that moment on. A lot of times you defended your ‘friendship’ with her. Imagine how painful that is if I see this individual as so bad and destructive yet the man I love fights to keep her in his (our) lives. What was I even fighting for at that point? Should have left and let you figure out what you want. My pain is my fault.

But anyway, back to the pizza. It was greasy, cheap cheese and meat, think hard crust. Good for drunk food, not your ideal. But I ate it… when will I learn.