That sounds sexual. Kinky sexual. (haha really what more do you expect from me and I already know you love the humor)

Anyway, Hi Baby! 🙂

The orange stuff… your water enhancer. Mio Orange Tangerine is your go to for adding flavor to your water. To be honest I always thought it was a little silly. But we all have our things, right. You would go through it so fast. Use almost one a week, maybe? I never really paid attention to your consumption I just knew it was a lot and when I’d grocery shop for us I’d always be buying it in multiples. I thought, we should really be buying these in bulk. So I did. I found out Amazon allows for subscriptions and if you have 5 or more, you get a higher discount. If I needed the extra nudge to order, it was the discount!

I added the first order probably back in July. We were together together, or so I thought. I don’t need to harp on the events. We officially broke up in July, you know why. No contact lasted a week or two I think. I believe I reached out.

I say all this to say it the Mio deliveries marked a monthly cycle starting in July where we would fight, go no contact, reconnect, bliss for a couple weeks and then start back at one.

When we aren’t talking, the Mio comes… again and again. I have a package for you right now in fact. Packed right along with the other things that I am still shocked you haven’t tried to get back. All the toys are in there, don’t you miss them? I’m sure you bought all new ones. Your hat. The hat I made you with the J.August logo? I don’t know, I thought you’d want them back. Your fucking chair… it seemed important after the blow up of September.

Do we do this because we hope for the best each time? Naivety? Masochism? I do not know. We are not dumb, or inexperienced. I can’t say its even masochism for you since I don’t really think any of this really hurts you but merely inconveniences you.

I might be masochistic. Or insane. They say, doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Well there you go.

For me it is an fine rare blend of denial, insanity, delusion, and hope. Wanting something so badly from someone and knowing they will never be able to give it. Add to that being able to feel down to your soul they wish they could give it and give it freely to make me happy. I felt you feel that. It made it harder to walk away. I still genuinely believe if you could do better, you would have done better. I do not think you really wanted to hurt me.

I lied to myself. I let you lie to me. And I kept being surprised when it would happen. I knew better. If you read in my other post that I wish I had walked away after you left my house that night in January 2018, do not take it personal or believe that it is coming from a place of hatred. If I had left you alone then, maybe today would look different. Maybe it would be better and happier, for both of us.

The Mio deliveries forced me to recognize the time passage and that each time it would be delivered I thought I would never speak to you again. But the next time it was delivered, I had spoke to you again. Done our apologizing, started something back up we both swore we wouldn’t, and broke it again. It is exhausting and it will stop. 5 months of Mios, two years of insanity.

Insanity because today all this while later, I still look at my phone and hope for a message from you. I will never give up hope of what we could be. It will be inside me always.