Hi my love,

I wish I could see you. I really miss you. Just being in your arms and feeling… that feeling. I have so many complex and conflicting emotions about you. I actually love you completely and hate you at the same time. Do you think it’s possible? I’m so mad at you. We really had something. And that thing was real. It was. And then you just lied and lied and lied. So many women. It absolutely destroyed our trust and my faith in you. I guess I am bringing it up now because that is why I am so mad. When we were together, if I ever brought this up you would get mad feeling like I was attacking you. It was never that. I was and am in a lot of pain and I wanted to express it in hopes of healing. Also, I am not sure it ever really got through to you how bad it hurt. There were times in our conversations that you did express remorse. You knew you had a lot of responsibility in the demise of us.

I do understand that the bigger picture is that, perhaps you were not capable of a healthy relationship and to be an honest and open person. I go back to that often. You likely wanted to be better but maybe you couldn’t? I do not feel like you really wanted to hurt me you just… well I don’t know what you were thinking. I just got wrapped up it in all.

Sometimes you hear that one person in a relationship loved the other more. I believe I loved you more. There was almost nothing I wouldn’t do for you. My responsibility in all this, and the demise of the last weekend, was that I lied to myself thinking I could forget all of our history, mute my feelings, and be okay with a casual none committed situation with you. The gnawing fear and persistent anxiety of knowing I was not okay with how things were was so present the whole time and days before our trip. I wanted to get through that weekend but when we got home I knew I had to walk away anyway. I know we both agreed to no commitment and that you were talking to other women. I was uncomfortable and insecure but trying to be confident and feel safe, was a mistake. My anger built inside me and when I heard you on the phone downstairs with another woman… it all came to the surface. So furious that I tried so hard to show you a good time and still, I was inadequate. You needed another woman.

The anger hasn’t left and I’m finally processing it all. This writing is helping. And, for the record. Don’t I have a right to be mad? I mean, it was a lot. I was loyal too. Just the pure love I felt for you.

I’ll never forget what happened to us. But more importantly I will never forget the relationship I know we had to potential to share. I will never not expect you to be the best man you can be. Though I know you were not fully evolved into that man yet, at the time our paths crossed. I too, have i lot of work to do and I am not the woman I should and could be.

I carry a weight around with me daily. The weight of sadness and a black hole that is the absence of you. It is heavy. I want you to come help me. I wait. I wait for the heaviness to go away but I fear I will have it for the rest of my life, if you are not with me.

I love you so much. I always will.