Dear Freeman,

Since I wrote you last a lot has changed. We are fully back in touch. No boundaries at all. I blame myself. I need to learn self control. We agreed to once a week and I tried to break it twice. And, alas, we have ended up in a not great place. I am around you when you were going through and processing some shit that I do not need to be a part of. In fact, I wish with every fiber in my being that this issue you have is not something consuming your (and now our) valuable and precious time and energy. It is so fucking pathetic. To me anyway.

I told you about this blog and my process of writing letters to you. You have yet to read them. You say you want to read them when you can have a clear mind the next day since it affects you so much. Seems like you are just more concerned right now with her. You are the one who pursued me and wanted to see me again.

Well, shit. Did you? We were going on and on about how special of a connection we have and how it is something that should be valued. But a lot of what you were saying was that you understand why I left you and why I wanted to move on. Not really a big ploy to try to make things work with me.

In a way, I respect this a lot. You seemed to have genuinely apologized. We talked at length about it. I wrote you a letter about it expressing how I respected and appreciated your thoughts and words. You acknowledged you need to work on yourself right now and want to. You know you cannot really pursue a true relationship. And yet, I want to see you all the time and I want to cuddle with you and wake up to you. This is the work I need to do. Discipline.

Discipline.

You go and live your life and I will go and live mine. Dates if we can manage to keep something alive between us. In the meantime, I’m working. On me, on my faith in myself, on deconstructing the pains of my life, on the decisions of my life. Unpacking years of trauma and self destructive tendencies. Metamorphizing into the woman I am destined to be.

That woman is to be loved and cherished. To be handled with grace and tenderness. She will give you everything you ever could wish for if you protect her and make sure she never doubts she is the most important woman in your life. You are the most important man in hers after all… she’d do anything for you and never make you feel badly you needed her. She will be strong when you are weak then switch to tenderness when you are strong and powerful. She can be the lion or the lamb, just tell her what you need. She will be your peace when your whole world is feeling out of control, unmanageable, and you feel you have no where to hide in one moment and in the next be your biggest cheerleader when it is your time to shine and rise up. She will push you but all the while knowing your potential and your limits.

I am not perfect and the woman I am now becoming is not either. She might be moody and feel scared sometimes. A woman who feels scared will do anything in her power to feel safe. NOT BETRAY HER MAN or anyone for that matter, that is not normal, but work to feel safe. She will lean on you for strength occasionally and you should be there because she will always be there for you.

This woman needs to feel valued. She needs to feel like she is important to her partner. Because she IS important, valuable, and divine.

I do not feel I am important to you.

I have said it before and I will say it again. Your actions make me feel invisible. Like I have no worth, in your eyes and that I do not matter to you. This current situation nearly makes me nauseous to think that ‘The Friend’ is still playing ANY kind of role in our lives. By our lives I mean, this morning you are sad and depressed because of HER. You are with me, but sad about her. Sad that she is still a fucking disgusting smoking piece of cow shit. We broke up because of her in July and you chose to continue a ‘friendship’ over doing what our relationship needed. Shit on me. Missed my whole birthday. How fucking pathetic. You picked her and now look at what is happening.

The way I feel today, November 30th, is that we have very little chance. I am willing to see how it plays out but it is an incredible turn off that this scenario is playing out as it is. The worst part is that it does not even seem to click for you, how fucked up the situation is. You kept her around THE WHOLE TIME I was in your life. We both know what happened, those details are for another post.

But imagine you wake up one morning. You had a crazy dream that you were beating up a dude your girl cheated on you with, the whole relationship. (No breaks, it is you and me and ‘The Friend’…. the. whole. fucking. time. At this point, I have no idea what a relationship is like with you and not sharing you with someone.) After you explain the dream your girl gets dark and sad. You inquire about her mood and she goes into detail about how just days ago, him and her were fighting because, once again, he showed his true colors and about what a piece of shit he is.

What do you do with that? How do you feel as the man who just woke up lovingly holding her and giving yourself to her? You gonna be ok with that? No, you wouldn’t.

But when it comes to me… you expect some kind of super human skill of setting side my worth and value, to coach and support your hurt feelings, caused by ANOTHER FUKCING WOMAN. No, I cannot. I have said it once, I will not say it again because I will never go through this again with you.

If you want to move forward, I will be the only woman in your life. My value overtakes the space one man has in his life for other women, if you were blind to see it before, you will need to get a fucking better prescription for your glasses, or what ever it is to have better vision. You have one chance. Prepare to see me or to walk right past me.

You can be the Champion, or you can be the step I use to rise to the next level of my life.

Cheryl.