It’s been a while since I’ve written. These letters go to no one anyway. I initially wanted them to be for you in a poetic and artistic way. From what I know now, everything is just dead and black. There is probably still beauty in that however the letters lost some appeal. I will continue to write though. It seems like this is the theme of us.

I do not really believe you will read them. I just think that you think, you won’t like what they say therefore will avoid them. And to be fair, it would be hard to read how badly you hurt someone. It might be really tough to hear and perhaps running and pretending it wasn’t as bad as I said or what you remember is easier. The mind will tell you all kinds of lies.

Which is exactly what my mind did. I guess this is what I am left with. My mind lied to me and told me you really did love me and that there was some type of hope. Shit, when I think about everything that happened I really try to figure out how I justified it. At times I didn’t know all of the facts, other times I did. This most recent revelation really took me off guard. I am just now processing it. I regret spending time with you like I did after you told me. I should have let you pick up your things at the steps and never spoken to you again.

You were talking about marriage… with this woman. Marriage. October. I was cooking all your meals, being your support, sex, love… while you were discussing that … with her. Learning that, something broke inside me.

So you were just using me, as a convient person for the time? Until what… you could go to TX? She was going to come back?

So people at your job knew about me as your girlfriend, albeit one you were working on things with, but you were talking to your other woman about marrying them?

You said the whole time you were IN love with me… but… this happened with her? You said there were no plans on getting back together with her but what did you say about marriage?

You wanted a weekend away, with me, for your birthday while calling me your wife and talking about us, but you were talking to her about marriage?

We decide on a path to recovery where we see each other for a date once a week and rather than focus on that you are visibly upset because, once again, she is a horrible liar yet you want me to ‘handle’ it emotionally?

I wrote a whole letter praising you for the genuine apology that you sent me and thought that it was a great gesture. I see now that it was probably less to do with me and maybe more whatever you were going through with her. I’d say at that time you already heard from your friend and speculated that she had done what she had done.

Every moment of time you and I spent together, I shared you with someone else. Everything. I can’t trust or believe any of it anymore. It is completely heartbreaking.

Again, I feel so little and unimportant.
Irrelevant.
Inconsequential.
Insignificant.

And then on the flip side, I have to say. Is this even real?
If it was only one conversation reminiscing with an ex, why even tell me?
Did you purposely lead me to believe that this was all much bigger than it was just to finally push me away with enough thrust to be certain, I would never make my way back?
Was I that bad to you?
Or, is it more like you are protecting? Knowing you can’t give me what I want.
Feeling like you are such a failure that I do not even deserve to deal with this anymore?
Or, was it genuinely overwhelming feelings of fear and anxiety that became louder than any love you felt for me screaming in your ear… RUN.
Did you think that the only way we (I) would or could give each other (you) enough space to heal ourselves (ourself) was to drop a bomb like this in the middle, so as to destroy every single thing that still had life between us?

I sometimes believe this and well you were right. It worked. And, it maybe needed to happen.

I’ll never know. My mind and heart lie to me every day and saying, he really loved you and he wanted more, but he is lost. I will never know.

xx