Hey my love,

I’m working in Darien today and though it is wonderful to get out of the house, my sadness followed me here. So, thought I’d write out some of my thoughts. I’m bombarded by memories of us good and bad. Did you see the Facebook memories. I did. Newport, RI.

I went into GNC today. Its just so weird being in the same places I would have been with you. It’s not GNC, its just memories.

Simple Greek changed is name. I don’t even remember it right now but it is named something different. Everything changes. The only constant in life, is change.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That is why they call it the present.

-Kung fu panda

That’s a little joke. You’re not laughing I am sure, neither am I. I’m so fucking sad.

Yesterday, our conversation went left ridiculously quick. We were talking about men and women being friends. I wasn’t even thinking about The Ex.

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Side note: You should know who I’m referring to by… The Ex. I won’t name names here because this platform is exclusively meant for you and I and I refuse to grant anyone else the dignity of having a name. Its you. It’s me. The only two important characters in this story, in my opinion, in my dreams. How is that narrative, for a change? All this just being about you, and me.

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Anyway… in my discussion yesterday, the guy I was talking about would more closely align with your friend, The Teacher. I never even thought about anyone else. Out of left field you brought up The Ex.

What upset me the most was that it felt like you were defending your relationship with her by comparing her to My Ex. It is so truly different, the two situations. I felt compelled to prove that to you and that is why I went so hard, with the image, and bring up old stuff.

Also, by feeling like you are defending the ‘friendship’ it truly feels like you think it is okay for you to stay in touch and be friends and that because of that all of the previous happenings would occur again. When I saw your interaction with her from January, I ran, because I will not be able to go through all of that again; you lying and being with her etc etc.

Since day ONE the relationship with her has been an issue for US. Its so sad to me that you would hold on to that and ruin your future with me. If you don’t realize that is what you are doing, its sad. Especially since she didn’t even treat you well. You openly admitted that she always needs someone (a man) around and now conveniently her man is in rehab and she needs you again…

You recognize you have a problem letting go of people who you’ve bonded with. I know it is hard for you to open up and let someone in. I understand. But baby, at a certain point you have to honor what WAS so that you can honor what IS, and what could be. People come in and out of our lives and that is the beauty of the relationship.

Maybe in your next relationship/ girlfriend will be comfortable with you and your relationship with all of your ex’s. I actually, could have been, comfortable with you being in touch with your ex’s. I know that is the point you were trying to make, I am in touch with my ex so why can’t you be.

The difference is all the moments in between that you stole from our present happiness by being sad or upset over her something she did or didn’t do, and on and on. It wrecked havoc in the beginning, putting a nearly permanent dark cloud over us in my eyes. That was 2019. But then, 2020 sealed the deal for me. Seeing all of her messages saying I love you, her social media posts; selfies of you and her. I naturally questioned this and tried to stick around to make it work. Only to find out later that actually in moments of distress in our relationship, you brought her back into your life even more and into your home and…. bed. Your bed. It is such a fucking mess.

So if you ever think, that I will believe that you and her can maintain a only a friendship you should know you are the only one. I can’t see myself ever being okay with it. With you and any ex. Because they are not just a people from the past. They are women you cheated on me with. How could I ever be okay with you wanting to keep them in your life/our life? How could you ask me to be comfortable with that?

You want (wanted) to be with me. I believe that is true.

But you wanted to keep them around too. It just will never work out that way.

Maybe now you do have the closure to be just friendly with her. Even as I type that I do not believe it… though there might be a chance. But for you and me, the trust is demolished and I will never be ok with it.

As I am writing this a song comes up on my playlist:

Remember I did that corny video and sent it to you while we broke up around September last year? So so corny. I thought it was cute.

Even when I think about that, why was I trying to send you a message that I’d still like it to work out with you after everything? That was 2019, that year starting with the dark cloud of The Ex and then ending with The Friend (if you are having trouble with the name think: 4th month of the year). Just so much shit.

Way too much fucking shit to deal with though it should be a testament to how much I loved you and wanted to be with you. I can’t say I will ever stop wanted that, but how could we ever even get there, now? Especially if what you are trying to tell me is that your friendship, with The Ex, is so innocent. I mean… c’mon.

I’m so tired. Tired of trying to do everything in my power to help us. Tired of having the same argument about the same people. Tired of being sad that this isn’t the outcome I saw for us… something I can see so clearly… if only… if only. I really feel like I did everything in my power to try to get the outcome I dreamed of. I really do not know what else I could have done.

I have to just keep moving forward.

I hope you have some clarity at some point.

I hope you don’t repeat this madness in your next relationship.

I hope I find myself at peace with everything. I pray for that.

I love you.