APRIL

Scrolling through old pictures and this one is 4/1/2019. April Fools … ha ha

You’d do really cute things like this. I don’t know how long this would stay on your screen but it did make me feel special. We are ramping up around this time to go to Mario and Amanda’s wedding. I’m really looking forward to it but I’m also incredibly stressed out. With a lot of our ups and downs, the Friend situation, my finances in the toliet, school sucking the life out of me… I was struggling.

For me the trip to South Carolina was really great, for the most part. Again, I was really, really struggling with feeling comfortable with your ‘friendship’ with The Friend. The morning we left, for whatever reason she was blowing up your phone like it was a surprise we were going. I know that you told her we would. I know she knew about me and that we were really actually dating. I do believe that. But having the trip start out like that was just unfortunate. We drove in silence probably til about New Jersey… when we were pulled over.

In reflection, do you blame me for my feelings at the time? How could I have been comfortable then? I know you empathize with me, most likely. It was really hard on me before I even knew the extent.

But I’ll say the trip for the wedding was a lot of fun. The night of the wedding was not. Really unnecessary argument. You were just kind of mean. You slept in your car and told The Friend that you wish she had come instead of me. Ouch.

You know what happened with that and here is my feelings. Can you … ever… just be with one woman… without having the back up girl to run to when problems arise in the relationship. This happened constantly with us. It was one or the other who you will run to whenever we have a problem. That IS the problem with you staying in touch with ex’s.

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Look at us.
I honestly couldn’t have loved you any more than I did. Honestly.

On the way home from the trip The Friend called. Its becoming unbearable at this point to NOT think something more is going on. I again communicate with you that I am not comfortable. When we get back, you tell me that you will talk to her and set boundaries.

I believe you do actually. I do believe this. Well, I know you do because she confirmed it.

The rest of the month goes pretty smooth, I thought. It feels like we are moving forward and are able to do so. The Ex isn’t in the picture as much if at all at that point. The Friend is a big issue but I am hopeful it was dealt with. You loved me, I thought we would pull through.

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It felt good.

Then she called me. On that day. Everything changed. The Friend confirmed that you and her were indeed, NOT just friends. If I’m being honest, I was not surprised. I did not want it to be true, and I was ready and willing to move forward but I knew.

I was hoping you’d have the opportunity to fix things, choose us, and move forward. My trust was ruined.

I’m still in a very vulnerable shitty place in my life with money a big issue. The wedding took my last dime. I never told you so I do not blame you at all. I wanted to be independent and to take care of myself but it really set me back. Almost all of my credit cards closed because I didn’t pay. I was behind in rent, absolutely no savings. Desperately looking for work while trying to finish school strong. It was… a lot.

We met that night at Dew Drop to discuss what The Friend said and to your credit you did not deny it. You never gave me a good reason why it happened.

I think at this point if you ended it with her we still might have had a chance. You seemed remorseful. You seemed like you wanted it to work with me, but you did not act like you did.

Don’t ask me why I have the screen shots. I’m just looking through old photos and they are there, helping me chronicle the events.

We break up, of course.

But I continue seeing you. I tell me its over with her and that you will not have contact and you’re moving on.

Look at us.

I wanted to believe you thinking that the worst is over. That night you open your phone, right next to me and are texting her. Even that night you didn’t know if you wanted to come with me until the very last minute. I guess there was some talk with her about going to dinner but you chose or it ended up that we spent the night together.

I was furious with you. Yes, I through something toward you in the parking lot.

You know, this is the beginning of it getting bad but in reality, I had been struggling for sometime. From the very beginning of the relationship I felt second to The Ex. Then there was The Friend who became more and more an issue for us nearly by the day. A slow deterioration of my faith in you and my trust and my love for myself that I could be enough or make the man I love happy.

It seemed… he always needed someone else. You always needed someone else.

The next few months are rocky. May and June you work a lot. You had the jobs with LeBron.

I am under the impression that you are NOT in contact with The Friend. I’d still look at the food blog’s Instagram to see what your up to. I drive you to the airport and take your car up to my sisters and right there… her name is still in your bluetooth when I had deleted it before. You were still seeing her. You were still lying.

I’m really hurting. I’m really bothered by what happened. I still have hope.

I loved you still.
I went back. I didn’t set any boundaries for myself or for us.