MARCH

I don’t know when or how or who reached out or how it happened or whatever but we reconnected sometime in the beginning of March. You text that you missed me or something I do not remember.

We met up at Oar and Oak. This is so painful for me to think about. I think I have truly been avoiding this because it goes so deep for me.

You had invited me to your mothers retirement party. I was really excited to go. Very excited. I love events like this. To get dressed up and show up.

Damn, I’m crying now event remembering. Already. Fuck.

Coming out of the relationship with My Ex, where I was basically rejected from by his family AND the incident that happened with you and YOUR mom where we were in your room and she stormed in, basically, and basically told to stop having sex… anyway, you know what happened, feeling like I wasn’t good enough to come to your mom’s party was BIG. HUGE.

When we met in March maybe like on the 5th, I do think it was the night before the part or so I had no idea you were bringing The Friend. I honestly can’t even believe it happened right now.

When I think about it, if The Ex wasn’t around to text you that bullshit the night previously, which cause us to have the argument, what would have happened then? Through no fault of MINE, everything got FUCKED.

I still place the blame on you, you chose for The Friend to come and not me. Wow that is still a really open wound, it hurts to even type it.

The whole series of events, with your mother, who I respect, coming in on us that night, caused me to avoid coming to your house. Which in the end, made it convenient for you to have The Friend there, so she could get closer to your mother… meanwhile WHO WAS YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. You are a fucking mess. Who do you want? Who do you love?

So maybe your mom was happy to have The Friend come. Maybe your heart told you to bring her. Okay, fine. I wouldn’t have died if we never met up again in March. Why bring me back into it? I understand I went willingly but why would it interest you to bring me back into it? Why, because you knew The Friend was going to leave? But you had The Ex at this time too? Or at least you had the opportunity to have her. She was ready….. always ready to be a back up whenever you need a distraction, she plays her roll well.

So maybe.. maybe you did want me. Actually me, Cheryl Hislop. Maybe you did.

Because we ended up hanging out that night. You LEFT your party. You LEFT your Friend, what just to come see me? Even if you didn’t want to be there that bad you could have been alone, why did you use me for that?

Before I knew what actually happened that night, I had a decent night with you. It ended a little funny but it only could have been that way because the vibe was really really off.

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I just don’t know. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want me there with you. Like, do I fucking repel families?

Now I don’t have a family myself, or, I do but it is dysfunctional and disjointed. I think I always just wanted to be included and loved in a family. I understood you did not have a good relationship with your family but still… if that is the case, go alone and leave alone.

This truly caused a wound that wasn’t healed to open deeper and deeper. And the worst part is that I didn’t find out til so much later.

My heart hearts. Even now.

Even the day after you came to my house just to what.. escape your family and The Friend. IF that is TRULY how you were feeling, why did you even let her come in the first place… ?????

So many lies. So many.

When we met up before the party, we talked about how if we were going to do us, we needed to do us full on, all in and be together. So thats what we did.

All was good until March 20th. You had ‘work’ in Boston, conveniently where The Israeli lives oh and ON HER BIRTHDAY WEEKEND.

Man Freeman… man. When I tell you I could come up for air… I really couldn’t come up.

I communicated to you how insecure I was about this trip to Boston, in the beginning of COVID and all the shut downs… I knew something was off. I really tried to communicate to you how hard it was for me to trust you, all the while, you were lying.

To this day, I don’t know if there was real work there or if it was all just fo her birthday. Fuck, then I think about my birthday July 2020.

I blame myself. I should have gotten out of this so far before this. I regret that I didn’t. I truly do. But his is a huge lesson for me to see how badly I treat myself to constantly put myself back into this situation, with you.

Part of me understands that I was really holding on to the good parts. Part of me really wants you to know that I was still trying and trying because I really loved you, which is true. But nothing excuses all of this, nothing.

Sometime late in March I was at your house, and very happy too. Aside from the trust and my worries about The Israeli, The Ex, and The Friend… honestly is SO happy to be there, working from home, and having dinner ready for when you’d get home.

COVID scared me and it was nice to have you then.

March was a crazy month.

It was the beginning of my new job, the beginning of COVID shut downs and generally just a fucked time.

Through out the last few months I had reconnected with my old Friend Mr. Waterbury, for lack of a better name. But since your other characters will not be named, neither will mine. Mr. Waterbury was irrelevant in so many ways but he did provide a playful distraction for me.

I was wrong to engage and entertain him but I did it anyway. I did tell him I had a gotten back with you. He knew. He was still just bullshitting with his immature jokes. Still not his fault, I could have blocked him or just stop talking but I didn’t.

I still wasn’t sure where you were at, with The Ex texting you late Jan, then The Israeli…. I didn’t know yet if it would be a the same again so yea, I kinda kept him around. To be completely honest, I could have blocked him and lost zero sleep but because I knew we weren’t going to see each other I just kept talking to him. Also, COVID scared me, everything was uncertain and it wasn’t bad to have someone else to talk to. Still, I take responsibility.

That night, you went through my phone. To me that was honestly a great night so I do not know what prompted you to do it but… it happened.

It was really uncomfortable after that for a bit. The Israeli did the whole post on her account, which really just exposed yourself because the timeline of when I gave you those ear muffs was AFTER we reconnected so you were still in the wrong for that.

Just more lying.

Things deescalated pretty fast after that with The Israeli huh? I’d like that full story at some point. Did she break up with you? Ok not break up but you know what I mean. I still saw her social media. All of this deceit and lies has caused me to lurk on other peoples profiles to see what they are doing and what you could be hiding. I am … NOT proud of that but it was the only way I felt I could be secure seeing you because I could not trust you.

Are you seeing why I can’t? Does it make sense?

Anyway, March was fucked. Today, I am still dealing and healing with it. Finally I have the space to do so.

Some of the feelings I have right now are that, I cannot ever forget, but I can also probably not forgive either.

I say that but I was able to forgive My Ex, through everything we did, to end the way we did, I still care about him and I have forgiven him. So maybe there is hope to forgive you but…. I don’t know. It was A LOT.