OCTOBER

She calls me again. At 8 fucking am in the morning. Some of us… actually have to work so I don’t know why the fuck she thought that was reasonable.

Just when it feels like I can come up for air… another wave crashes over me and pulls me down under water. After today I am literally drowning. To be honest I don’t even know how bad I’m hurt in actual real time. I am still just healing from it, right now, today… February 11th 20 fucking 21.

In reality, we were not together. We were on our way to that though, I believe. The problem is that though we were not together, you should have been honest with how much you were doing with her. You know you would have lost me then and that is likely why you didn’t open up about it but Fuck. Fuckkkkkkkkk. She destroyed me with what she said. Because it wasn’t until now that I learned that she had been there ALL ALONG. With really no break or gap. Maybe a few weeks after the first time she called, maybe?

And she was living with you. You gave her a key that you never got back. You were telling her you loved her. You didn’t want me at the house, this is why.

Also notable… you were entertaining The Bride at this time as well. You could guess who that was. You were going to do it, marry her, … for… for money? I can’t even believe anything at this point. We discussed it at the comedy show the night before The Friend called. You got pissed at me because again I was telling you the truth.

I don’t fucking know.

So at this point, we are not fully past The Ex and the break up from august, a couple months prior. The Friend is your whole new stand in girlfriend, calling me, again. And on top if it, you are entertaining The Bride.

By the way, this kind of follows right along with the theme that you constantly need a back up woman to lean on, I don’t know, emotionally? I do believe in the beginning she was not something real but you certain did like to user her to hang out with and romance. And also, its is worth mentioning that The Teacher has also been around to conveniently go on dates with. Dates/ hang outs/ spend time with, all I’m saying is that she was there. You never actually focus on yourself.

So me and The Friend meet up and everything comes spilling out. I think I was actually in shock for a few days, weeks, months. My breath was taken away by what she told me. She knew about Ike and I. She saw pictures of me in lingerie. She was always there in the shadows as well. It was just SO much. You would call her the minute I was unavailable. You were running home to her in these months. God. Fuck. I wish this is all that happened but I haven’t even gotten to 2020. Fucking hell. Why did I deserve this?

Anyway I still went back for more. I guess this wasn’t enough for me. You fucking blocked me at this point but some how we ended up meeting up, talking. You SEEMED remorseful when we met. I told you then that with everything that happened, I don’t think I could trust you again, for life.

I actually still am struggling to believe that still. That I could never trust you again. Do you understand that even I do not want to believe it. I still was hopeful. So I still went back.

We spent like a week together sleeping, loving, cuddling. I had to stop it. I knew I wanted and needed space but I still was pretty consumed with the idea of losing us.

We tried to hang out here and there throughout October. I was in so much pain.

NOVEMBER

You notoriously hate your birthday and do not celebrate it though I always wanted to show you a good time. November 2018 you did not want to spend it with me but 2019 you did. I found the lovely bourbon tasting and invited you. I set it up, I paid but yet, you know how it ended. If I wasn’t already in a very bad place, that just sent me over the edge.

Embarrassment, shame, sadness, regret, pain just consumed me. The reason I had a problem and got sick that night was because I was on Lexipro, because of the pain I was experiencing.

In my life at this time, I’m still doing ok. Slowly I am rebuilding my credit, catching up on my bills, doing well at work. I do not know how I managed it but I was.

Also of note, this whole relationship has been a nice distraction for the turmoil that had been building inside of me from my own trauma. Only a woman who is unhealthy, herself, would put herself through this drama, over and over and over and over again.

So, I barf all over your car, on your birthday so I run away to Montana. That trip was great for me. I slept so much, I worked, I ate well. It was good and I’m grateful I went.

I was there for Thanksgiving and it was nice to be around a family and just feel safe and comfortable. We never spoke the whole time.

You remembered the day I was traveling and I appreciated that you reached out to know if my travel will be safe. That was nice.

DECEMBER

At this point I literally manage to go to work each day, do my work, fake smile, and come home sit in my chair, watch tv and drink and go to sleep.

As I’m trying to process and everything from The Ex and The Friend I have to also sit with the fact that you are off spending time with The Bride.

The she calls me.

I’m just trying to breathe, and then this is added to my plate. How the FUCK is this something.

She wants to know if we are still together because though her and you started off as a business arrangement, at this point its turning to more and blah blah fucking blah blah blah.

Really?

December was a dark month for me. I was drinking a lot. One Friday night I came home and drank a bottle of wine, then had a whiskey sour then… drove to Norwalk… met with Katia and Brad. Brad bought drinks all night. I remember going to Peaches then to SONO, having one drink at Banditos and then nothing til the morning.

I woke with vomit on my face and all over his beautiful bed. I was in the spare bedroom… he is gay. His house is beautiful and he just finished doing repairs and remodeling to get it to the place it is now. And I through up all over the bed. Not only did I do that but I also threw up all over his truck. Similar to the events of 11/7 however I did not get the door open and he was on the highway. You can image how horrible that was.

I haven’t talked to him since them.

You can imagine how the rest of my year went.

I loved you more than I’ve loved anyone but this relationship dragged me through the mud and back again.

But yet, I went back