JULY

This is the pivotal month.

I’m at your house and we wake up together and have amazing sex. Like…. really really really good. Really good. You get up to go to the shower and we know how the story goes. The IG post… The Friend. I guess you missed her and needed her back in your life despite you telling me that you were done with her for good. I confronted you and you… I don’t know you know it was fucked up.

I just left that morning. I never heard from you until on my birthday you were asking me to replace your travel bag. On MY birthday… you do not wish me happy birthday, you needed something from me.

As you’ve followed along in our story, you spent time with The Israeli on her birthday. You saw The Friend on hers, likely you did something for The Ex… but on MY birthday….. this.

This really hurt me and still does to this day. After all of the effort I felt like I put into us… you sabotage it, every time.

Later I find out that the day this happened, when I saw the ig post with The Friend… The Ex posted… ON THAT DAY… that she loved you and was in a uber…. I’d love to know to where. Did she come to your house that day?

So to me, seeing that you were reconnecting with The Friend without any concern for OUR union AND that you were still in contact with The Ex as a back up or whatever… it really shows that you were 100% lost in your mind and your heart was elsewhere.

Even after all this, I go back. I’m cooking for you while you have this big overnight security job. I’m very stupid for this. I was so wounded the only way I could cope was to forget the pain, run back to the source, and I guess ask for more pain while I’m running from it.

During this time we have a lot of talks about us and where your mind is at. I neglect myself because in reality it was not all about you, it is about me too. I need to heal. It has been way way way too much. I ask you do you think you can even be committed in a relationship right now and you say no. I respect this because for the first time, maybe, you are recognizing that maybe there is too much going on with you too.

I’m hopeful that you find some peace within yourself.

Things get worse, for me, when you tell me that you found out The Ex was seeing her fiancé. It’s only now that I can fully comprehend that she as really been there this whole time and you’ve entertained her. You always told me that it was her that wanted to get back with you and you said no. But what message do you think you were sending her when you’d let her come over, be in your bed, be intimate, and on and on?

You liked the attention from her. Or, you’re still in love with her, at that time. I don’t care anymore.

I just wanted it to be me and you and you consistently brought in other people and their drama’s and their energy… It was NEVER just me and you, just in my dreams.

July really, really hurt me. My friends did their best to show me a good time. I’m on a sailboat on a beautiful summer day and I’m holding back tears thinking… How could I love him so much and he … he… does this?

I’m not taking care of myself. I’m in a very bad situation and I keep myself there. I’m gaining weight. I’m drinking all the time. It’s getting bad for me and staying with you was not helping either of us.

It is very dysfunctional at this point.

I want it to be great. We do not have the tools to do that. You don’t event have the interest at this point.

We are over but we float in a gray area.

My love never wains. Though, I think I lost love for myself.

If we never left the house and cut all communication to the world… maybe we could have worked. Ha, imagine that.