I want to make it clear that I’m truly not using these posts or letters to paint you in a bad light or to point out your flaws, I really just want a place to get it all out. How it felt. What really happened. It could be a time to learn about ourselves.

And, as I’m writing and reflecting I am also taking a lot of accountability for what I did and why I kept coming back. You were sending clear signals and messages that you could not give me what I’d expect out of you and I continued to expect it and got mad when we didn’t reach those expectations.

We couldn’t leave each other. I guess, the love, the connection… I don’t know.

MAY

The beginning of May feels good. You had a job in New Jersey. To be honest, its a little hard to believe you did not spend any time around this time with The Ex because it is her birthday. I really asked you to try to check in with me often and you did, and it seemed like you were up at all times of the day and night so…. I really will never know.

With her posting the pictures and sending the texts and nearly every time I am at your house it is pretty obvious someone else has been there. With the car in your driveway before… then its her birthday and you had the job, in the back of my head I remember you went to Boston for The Israeli’s birthday…. yea… it was very uncomfortable.

But still, I tried to move forward. It’s notable because I want you to see and understand my effort. When you got back we went to my sisters for Finn’s birthday. That was also a nice trip too I think. I had fun, I hope you did. You and Jacky bonded haha. We had incredible sex. I miss that. I still miss you, right now. We had a weird dynamic that when we were together it was really great but my fears overwhelmed me with what you were doing without me. But that is the epitome of trust, right?

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You two were so cute. I had fun, thank you.

About a week later wasn’t as fun. I can’t even remember what happened but you were at my house in the morning, and woke up angry. Band energy all around, we got into something. I remember being shocked that it escalated so quick for nothing and you left angry.

You never reached out or called me the whole day. At this point I feel like I’m the one who usually tries to repair things, and it is true, up until that point anyway, and you admitted it.

But that day I never reached out. I have no idea what you were going through.

I end up going out to see my friends, I drink, a lot and I do a drive by at your house… another… weird… car….

I really couldn’t control myself at this point, everything from the last year and months is just building and building so I knock and buzz and knock and buzz. Such a shit show.

I recorded a video when I got home, it is really sad to watch. I was hysterical and basically just recording a message to myself saying, “Cheryl, he doesn’t want you… you have one fight and he’s with another one immediately… he does not want you. Why am I even trying anymore?” It’s sad to watch. I’d include it here but… its hard.

This is all BEFORE The Friend called me. She called me later that night and had to share with me how you were still in contact with her, assuming in love with her according to her, and that you… brought her… to the party.

I mean… it just broke me. Again. Now I’m even more suspicious of The Teacher, she was in your bed…. and I need to process the fact that you brought The Friend to your big family event, that you are still in contact with her, and that you probably always will be.

We don’t speak for about a week and finally we get together to talk about it. This conversation was kind of just like, why are you doing this? I felt so helpless at that moment like, why… why?

Later I’ll find out that during this time, you had The Ex at your house too. Fuck it hurts.

I’m probably still drowning from this wave, like it hit me, knocked me out and I’ve been underwater since… since will January 2021.

You claimed that The Ex was only at your house during this week but for certain, in April and likely in June and July she was back there again and you were definitely still in contact.

After our talk and The Friend’s call I ask for us to go to therapy. I guess a last ditch effort to see if we can understand why this is all happening. You agreed and we got a couple sessions in, but never actually got any work done. Your schedule wouldn’t work or whatever reason…

I’m still feeling the isolation of the pandemic and I became accustom to having you here with me or me being there. It was a hard time to go through a break up so I just didn’t do it.

We tried the therapy and tried to make it work. You cut times with The Friend, at this time, but were still in touch with The Ex and The Teacher.

And again, I can’t be certain there is really anything going on with The Teacher, BUT, with what I was given in this relationship, how could I trust there ISN’T something going on? I don’t know if there is, I don’t know if there isn’t. I hope you understand. I asked to meet her several times to no avail.

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Tacomida trips and vineyards, laughing, and loving. Passion and intimacy. Cuddling and talking. Planning and dreaming… we were still doing it. I’m really holding on to the dream. I’m still fighting the fight. I’m trying.

JUNE

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These photos were all from June. We were back in it. Doing our thing. You had maintained distance from The Friend and I’ll be honest it did feel like it was just me for a minute.

I know now you were still in touch with The Ex though. We tried to have a nice night at your place and the Netflix avatar would be changed or there would be soda in the house or a new soap in the shower… all reasons that told me not to get too comfortable.

I was at your house more and I loved it. I really did. You were doing more firearms lessons and it was really growing. I was SO proud of you. It was so cute, we’d prep for you class. Maybe make love quickly in the morning before it… steamy sexy passionate stuff right up until someone is knocking on the door. I’d sneak out the back door. You’d blow me a kiss, I’d send one back. I’d go on with my day and maybe have dinner ready later.

I mean…. simple, right? It was good, it was flowing. I had a lot of pain inside still but…. damn it felt like I could manage it curled up in your arms, with you by my side. Supporting me and helping me a long the way. If I had your love and support, I could get through anything.

I was just so happy being around you.

Everything we did was great. Down to little simple nights with food or take out up to trips away and adventures. Fuck, the way I loved you… The hope I had for us…