I can’t even tell you when or how we reconnected. Oh. I had to go to Greysons. I really would have avoided it if I could have. We end up meeting up. Stupid.

I say stupid because we really should have just left each other alone at this point. I was so low. Though I had done a lot of work to rebuild my life and corrected mistakes I made I’m in a vulnerable state emotionally because I am trying to process the things that happened in my past. October is a big one since I finally had the courage to tell my parents that I want space and to be free of them for a while. This happens late October but I will get into that.

I caused myself more pain by going back to see you or spend time with you before I could fully process all that had happened. In November this became evident. I’ll get there.

Oct 6 is your mothers birthday and on the 7th we had plans to go to a comedy show at a vineyard.

Your mother and you go and have lunch and surprisingly you said you had a nice time. By that evening you are so off and you are in a terrible mood when we get to the show. I honestly don’t know what to say or not say or do or not do. You seem like a volcano about to erupt. Then you bring up the conversation you had with your mother. And about who she thinks could have been a good match for you. Fuck. just fuck.

Things like this you do not share with someone that is involved. You juggle three women some coming and going for two years, in my experience, and I am one of them. You have a conversation about who your mom likes… you know what.. I’m not even going on with this.

I tell you, again, I do not want to discuss this with you. This is a conversation to have with Mario or a platonic friend. NOT ME. I came to the show to have FUN and NOT be reminded about the other women, AGAIN.

I actually am proud that I was able to dodge bullets from you all night. We get wine drunk. You yell at me all the way home. You know how it ends….

I don’t even respond, I just walk away and block you.

We only reconnect because I had to go to Greysons again. I don’t even know why I met up with you. Well, I do. I love you and I’d love to have a fresh start with you. Just once. Start fresh without the baggage and give ourselves the opportunity to actually win.. and if it still doesn’t work, fine I’d accept that. But we never get that.

Admittedly, we never gave ourselves a chance to HAVE the fresh start because within three weeks, we’d be cuddling again. Equal blame here. I take responsibility for my part in this. When we had fun, it was FUN. I just wanted you around.

By the end of October we are back in touch. I had the call with my parents. It might have been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Maybe breaking out of a lot of codependent relationships was what I was supposed to do this whole time.