I see now I never finished our story. I could now since it is over. The end just mirrored the same cycle, so no cliffhanger, twist, or happy ending. I should have know. Speaking to my therapist, she asked me to consider why I keep believing that this relationship will work out when so clearly it won’t. My answer was just that it was supposed to work. It was just meant to work. I can see in my mind how it COULD and how it was supposed to go. I was just never going to try to make it work.

Me, not clairvoyant and in love
Made me the fool
You were never true
If you didn’t want me
Ah, you should have let me know
All you did was make a mockery of something so
Incredible, beautiful
I honestly did love you
So…
– Love Rain, Jill Scott

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDT3XVdPxNo

I’m a different person now. I’m really only concerned with myself. I have needed this for a long time. Before you, I needed to be honest and focus on myself. I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. I miss the good stuff about you, I don’t miss the bad. In our last few weeks, you were just so scattered and lost. I know you were going through things. I know you were. I know now I can not believe anyone when they say they want to be with me if they are in that state of mind. If you are not stable yourself, you cannot be stable for someone else.

I had empathy for you but after our last day together, it left me. I’m furious. I text you I hate you today. I felt bad. I text you that I had no regard for you. I felt bad. I really cannot soften up my stance though, not now, not with you. We need this separation. For some time.

I’m mad because of what happened at the vineyard on 4/8. You were just so hard on me. Everything you said that day, practically, was telling me how unhappy you are with me.

I don’t wear lingerie or do anal yet… we aren’t event having sex yet. Or at least that was the plan. And we really didn’t go there, for the most part. Both recent times were impromptu and we rushed into it. Really, they were amazing experiences, for me. These complaints really hit me hard because what we were trying to do was WORK to get back to a place where we were intimate and in a good groove. ONCE WE GOT THERE, I had no reservations with either of these things

Had you addressed these issues with me months after we were back to a good place, then sure, I would understand. Also, I reserve the right to do or not do any type of sexual act with my partner until I am completely ready. My history of sexual acts have not always ben consensual, as you fucking now, so it would have been nice to have a partner THAT WAS COMFORTABLE MOVIG AT A PACE THAT I WAS COMFORTABLE WITH. You clearly didn’t understand that.

Other complants of the day… Why didn’t I ask you on dates? When was the last time I wore a dress for you?

You were the one who clearly communicated that you wanted TO DATE ME. “I want to take you on dates, I want to date you!!” Exact quote. So… where does this come from? Out of the middle of fucking nowhere. Incredible.

Apparently that day was the first day of me being your enemy. Ok. Cool.

Everything I do is wrong. Everything I say is wrong. Everything about me is bad. You start looking up Uber rides….

We get back in the car and I ask… ok what the fuck, what is wrong with you. And to confirm it… You say me. I’m what is wrong with you. I’m the problem.

And then, you get out of the car. I tried to call twice. So I fucking leave. I left you. I don’t regret it. (I do a little tiny bit). It’s so fucked.

I’m still furious. I’m so hurt. I want to make an argument of all the reasons why I’m a wonderful woman, how I appreciated you, loved you, worked to help you, supported you on bad days, how I would have done anything for you but… If you don’t know by now… I can’t do anything else.

That is how it sums up. I couldn’t have done more to make us work. I wouldn’t have stopped trying… but I know there was nothing left… for me… to do.

But so anyway, the dream. I married you in my dream last night. Small ceremony. Outside. I saw you, walked towards you. I had a beautiful dress. Fucking gorgeous. I was happy.

The dreams will stop soon. God I hope the dreams will stop soon. It’s relentless and it’s every night.