There is nothing I wanted more than anything in the last 5+ years than to be by your side, always. 

I wanted to be in love, you loving me and me loving you. Creating our safe place. A place where we both belonged after never finding a place we fit in the rest of the world, we’d know that we were home right by each other’s side.

I never expected anything that is happening currently, to happen. You being really sick and you don’t want me around? Not only that, when I hear you tell me about what is going on in your life… I don’t even believe it. I’m thinking… what is the angle? What isn’t he telling me? What is he telling me that isn’t true? It is … horrible. Painful. Excruciating. The only option I saw was out. Run. Hide. And it is breaking me honestly. 

I text you, “you broke me”. I can’t even be supportive, IF you ever wanted or needed me which, you don’t evidently. That has broken me. What I do best is love people.. Care for them, and make them feel good. I cannot even do that for you. 

All I wanted was you… for so long…. from the moment I met you. And each time I got close, I was broken again. Burnt and harmed by the lies you told. Even now, a lot of talk about me seeing someone new, accusations. A lot of you saying ‘you wanted me by your side’ and ‘you love me’ … only days later out with a girlfriend of yours and making out and all over each other. 

Just a reminder for me, if you wanted me to be there, I would be

You would have prioritized me and us
You would have told the truth
You would have honored me
You would have asked me to be there for you
You would have told me what was happening with you
You would have wanted me there and happy
You would have loved me

You didn’t. So, I removed myself. 

And it is killing me being away
But I guess I already was and I have to remember, if you wanted me, it would have been me now. There with you. I removed you from social, your phone number, and everything so that I don’t continue to reach out when I know you don’t want me to. I always wanted you more and I always will, so I had to.

My only comfort is knowing you are happy where you want to be and with who you want around. I hope you are happy and are getting what you need. I have to be confident knowing that you are happy. From what I know and what my friend saw, you are. That is genuine.

Just… don’t die yet.
I’m already drowning mourning you while you are alive.

I was always here for you… if you asked me