I need to write our story, from my perspective. I have no idea why I am so passionate about doing this. Never before have I felt compelled to do this. My Ex, who I traveled the world with, who changed me in great ways, who I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with… not even for a moment did I feel I needed to do this. What is it about you and I? Most likely it is a way for me to heal.

With you, the high moments were the highest I’ve ever felt yet sadly, the lows were the lowest, ever. Maybe the only way for me to process it is to tell it. Also, its notable that part of my reason for doing this is so that you would read it and gain some perspective on the events that occurred to better understand things. Lastly, I want to be able to read back through my honest and transparent account of what happened and remember how it was so that I never repeat this ever again.

September 2018

We love, well you love, to tell this story. I do too but I like seeing you tell it. I always felt it was so cute and endearing to watch you tell it. You’d talk about how you noticed me weeks before we actually met. You say how you were instantly attracted. I feel weird repeating what you said and how you felt but you already know anyway.

As the story goes, we meet again when you are hired to work my event. We have this beautiful day to just chit chat and enjoy each other in a purely platonic way. I was having one of the worst days of my life. The night before I made a bad decision by inviting a man I’d dated before over to my house for a night and he… he robbed me. I think he also destroyed my phone to be honest. I don’t know where the water damage occurred but he could have done it.

So that morning I was feeling very vulnerable. I never truly felt fully secure with any man but this felt so raw. I was the one who invited him home. I invited him into my space, was intimate. I felt a lot of shame and guilt for almost doing this to myself. Of course this feeds into my experiences from childhood. It ran deep for me and irritated that old wound I had yet to deal with. It was very hard at that time because from January 2018 – July I was celibate and really getting myself together. I thought I was making progress so to kind of be getting back into things in that way then for that to happen: it just knocked me down a few pegs.

Then I met you. In the morning I noticed you but my brain was in such a fog I didn’t see YOU. I just saw a a man, not you. Then later in the day when I was able to stabilize I came back to the event. The Ukulele festival. When I returned you were hanging around the table with Katia and other. As I walked up you started playing the ukulele and singing. It was really a moment for me. Even in that moment you soothed my soul. You were so warm and strong and safe. I felt you. I felt all of this before we even talked much. I was smitten from that moment but later was when I felt the soul connection. This honestly sounds so silly but it was really for me.

I remember the exact moment, all day you were wearing your sunglasses and since it was later in the day you had removed them. We were all hanging out just laughing and having fun. We made eye contacted and I felt a punch to the gut. I just starred at you. You held the gaze, looked away, and then back and nothing was said it was just… something. There was something there. I really wanted to see you again and get to know you better. It was a little magical, if I’m being honest.

Through Katia’s slick suggestion, you put your phone number in my phone. Nothing came of the connection that day. I text but you didn’t seem interested so I never did again. I’d see you out in SONO working often. I guess I probably hung around with you too much. When I’m thinking back now, maybe I pursued you too much. If you were truly interested maybe you would have done more.

In retrospect you had other relationships happening at that time. Maybe we could have avoided everything. But I didn’t, I saw you often. One night was a little different. There was just a bit more flirtation and attraction so I text your number again. I think I did a little cute, are you interested in a date, circle YES or NO. You replied with a ’emphatic yes’.

Even after this, if I remember correctly we set up a few dates but I had to cancel one and then I believe you cancelled two. Finally we got together late October.