JUNE

I’d say we are intermittently seeing each other at this point through May and June. I know we are still having sex. I’m trying to believe that you’ve moved on from The Friend. I have my doubts. I’m still really in love you and wanting it to work.

I’m working now. My life is getting better. I’m doing my best at doing a good job at work and it is actually going well. They are happy with me and for the first time in a while I am building back some of my confidence and pride in myself, slowly.

I see you occasionally but it has been hard since she called. You are also working a lot.

JULY

Little but not so little things would happen like you’d go to a vineyard with a friend and not tell me. You do this overlap, a lot. At some point The Teach started to be a part of the mix around now too. You’d be at the vineyard and not tell me but come home and sleep with me. For a couple that is dealing with a lot of trust issues, this does not help. Also, I have a feeling The Ex is starting to creep back into our world. Just a vibe I got but didn’t know why.

She is always there somewhere in a shadow.

In July we went up to my sisters house. I’d always image that you would like it there. In a perfect world. The music, the bbq, the drinks, the view, the dogs, me being happy… you could have been happy, I thought.

I think we had a nice time. I did have a nice time there. I was stressed though because of the baggage of the Friend but also the nagging feeling of The Ex.

When we got back we were both very sick. You took care of me, I took care of you, it was nice.

AUGUST

A few weeks went by and sometime around August we really broke up again. This time, the Ex.

For the life of me, I will never understand how or why you think that it is okay or understandable for you to lean on me, your woman, about the woe’s another woman is giving you. The Ex, ALWAYS causes you drama and to be upset.

This time it was about an Instagram photo. Your telling me on my lunch break, how you’re upset that she changed her photon on Instagram to her and HER FIANCE. How… how would that ever be something notable to tell your current girlfriend? Why is The Ex renting space in your mind and in our life? And it isn’t even like you wanted to tell me something funny she said or something good… no its the fact that you are upset about her.

I’m still nursing a broken relationship and heart trying to heal from The Friend when now I have to hear about how The EX upset you. Of course I was straight with you and told you it’s juvenile for you to be worried about something like this.

You were furious with me. I think it mostly boiled down to the fact that you were mad that I would not allow you to just obsess over another woman and constantly vent to me about her. I can never be okay with it. Ever. It was a problem before this day it would be a problem after this day and I was 100% right to not let you go on and on about it.

You blocked me. It was incredibly hard on me. All of August I was sick. I was reaching out to you like a fool. I should have just let it burn and move on.

Later I found out it was now when you and The Friend ramped up your relationship again. Incredible. When I think about everything right now it really hurts me. I can see you were not interested in really anything real with me from probably this point on and I just kept holding on.

Aug. 12, 2019. I posted it to get your attention, to no avail.
Fake smile and new hair cut/color on a broken woman.

Sometime around late August we start talking again. I believe that you’ve been single. Here is another screen grab. I have no idea why I grabbed this. I do this sometimes to remember a moment. I wanted to believe you when you said this but I think in retrospect you like to say that you know you need to work on yourself but then you don’t. You should have remained single then, maybe. I don’t know anymore.

We ended up hanging out again. I had gone on bumble throughout this time and I talked to new men. I’m so turned off by anyone. I also need time to heal from all of this and really from all the fucking trauma of my life.

We went to that place in Middletown, with the drinks and the to krust, got into a HUGE argument after. It was The Ex. She was texting you then and filling your head with shit. You were so upset about her and I was trying to have a good time and I did NOT want to talk about her so when you’d bring anything up it would be a problem. I was consistently always unhappy about that topic yet when you’d bring it up you’d get mad, at me.

SEPTEMBER

We started vineyard trips in September. This memerable moment.

I think at this time we were doing a lot of talking about would we could be, what we need to do to get ther. Fuck I just had such a great time with you. Look at us.

You made me feel very special this day. This was a good ass day.
Actually I remember you got very upset because you remembered it was your Grandmother’s birthday or close too it. Your depth and your emotional capacity always attracted me to you. I felt close to you in that way.

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I held you in the car. Got you food and you stayed at my house that night.
I loved you.

We did a lot in September. We did the Big E. That was another good day. It started really rocky and weird, but ultimately the day went well. I had fun. I hope you did.

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We had one of the best days I’ve ever had with you in September. We were supposed to go to Block Island but instead went on a vineyard tour. That is a bitter sweet memory though because what I later found out was that you were at The Big E with The Friend the day before and you blocked me from calling you that day. OUCHHH. I somehow put it behind us so we could enjoy our day and that we did. We went to several vineyards, came home, made love, went out in Norwalk, and hung out some more, came back and had crazy, insane, passionate love for like an hour or some ridiculous time.

A few days later you posted on Facebook about us. It meant a lot to me. It was a bit weird because I wasn’t sure where we were at but I actually felt hopeful we could pull through.

In my dreams, it is you and me and days like this over and over. That was the potential I saw for us. Yes, there would be ups and downs but, more than anything our love would conquer and shine through. I prayed for it and I wished for it, I worked for it, I fought for it and yet… still did not get it.