I actually sat down earlier to write about 2020 because it was truly what has been causing me a lot of pain more recently, obviously I need to deal with it but I thought let me start at the beginning. I didn’t actually realize that it would take me 5 hours to get through it. I’m so glad I did. I realize that I blame you a lot for everything that happen and you DO carry the responsibility but how broken was I, to go back again and again without take time to rest and heal and ask myself, why?

JANUARY

I’m still really in a ton of pain in January. Because we continued seeing each other up until December I was never actually able to heal from The Friend and The Bride. December I just stayed pretty medicated with anti depressant, work distracting me, and a blend of whiskey and wine. I was in a bad place. For NYE I ran away to Stockbridge and sat with myself, collecting my thoughts and trying to heal. It was actually amazing and I loved the space.

When I came back though I was still very much in distress. I couple of times I drove to Norwalk, after beginning to drink. One time, I was absolutely out of it and alone. I had met friends there but I was leaving alone. I was walking down the street in downtown, I don’t remember the name right now, and I fell right in front of Saltwater. I busted my phone and my hand and then I drove home. I think even after that I did something else.

It was really bad.

I knew you’d be still seeing The Friend throughout November, December, and January and I knew she’d move away. In my unhealthy brain I was just kind of hoping that once she left maybe we would have a chance to work out.

That clearly is not a reason just for us to work out, fundamentally nothing had changed like behavior, just that one individual had left.

I was honestly shocked to see you reach out through Facebook like you did WHILE you were there with HER.

It actually really hurt my feelings.

I think that you reaching out then, was really another way for you not to be alone. The shuffle of women kind of landed on me. I think at that point you were also in touch with The Ex.

No, for certain you were. And since that is the case, why bother with me at all? I really don’t understand it.

Maybe you ARE a man who really needs more than one woman. More than two even maybe. In the two years I’ve known you, you have never been okay with one. And, when you tell me your dating history, everything overlaps. Maybe it’s time to be honest with yourself and your goals. If you say you want to be married, you need to figure this out. I mean, if you accept that you need more than on relationship with one woman at least you wouldn’t have to lie to anyone anymore.

About the third week in January we met, at Flipside. It was pretty innocent but that all changed.

FEBRUARY

I don’t remember exactly the moment it happened but we had to have spent the night. I don’t know about now, but then I was still in love with you and seeing you opened up old things. I feel quite certain that for me I’ll always feel something for you and the connection is palpable so I don’t know if it would be any different.

So anyway, it feels like by now its back on or heading that way. I guess, what I’m learning is that I’ll always thing we are starting to get back TOGETHER, and for the dream to manifest itself. Not always true.

Early February, we were back at krust. We were a little bit at odd’s with each other though I can’t remember why. I knew the vibe was different so it likely was just old baggage from The Ex and The Friend and… how could it not be. Not even 90 days past and we expect no issues? NO. wrong.

Overall, it was a nice night from what I remember. I also remember being nervous about stupid Valentines day.

When we met, we were talking about if we had seen any new people or dated etc. You mentioned a woman who you met at the hotel in Danbury. You didn’t mention though, The Israeli from Boston.

Incidentally, you did mention her way back in September and even shared screen shots of her reaching out to you. You laughed it off then but by February, you had made a couple trips to Boston and even after we reconnected and were doing whatever we were doing, still made trips.

By 2/14 I really wanted to be working on us going forward. At this time, you were seeing The Ex, The Israeli, and still talking to The Friend, and then there was me.

Till this day I still do not know what you did on Valentines day. I made you cinnamon buns. Remember? You took them, I remember that. I don’t know where you took them. Did you just go back home to the Ex? Were you with The Israeli? You said you went to Rhode Island to see your son. I truly hope you did that though, I do not know.

Since we were just really getting back … to something… the valentines day thing didn’t really go far.

But we were sleeping together and being together and my heart was in it so I was feeling a lot.

We started going to vineyards more and maybe around this time were doing the CT Winter Wine Trail. See above photo.

We had a fucking amazing day in February. It was February 24th, I think according to my photos. Almost a year ago. We did 4 vineyards in one day. Yes, we were doing the passport because we were getting stamps. I loved this day. It was just so much fun! Remember?

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I really look bad in these photos. But… I loved this day. I hated this night.

Can you imagine trying to put all your effort into being present and enjoying the time we have together, only to get hit over the head by another wave?

I did kind of feel like I was starting to breathe again here.

We get to the Station. Nice and wine tipsy but having fun, being silly, laughing… you go to show me something on your phone and BOOM, The Ex.

Not even just a Hey how are you? Noooooooo, she literally fucking says ‘I love you, babe.’ Everything fucking changes. I ask you, to open the text message, you would not. It shows me right there that you do not have any interest in supporting us and developing trust between us. No. You want your secrets.

I really couldn’t wrap my head around it. How are we here, again. How. So I leave. You leave my things at my door step and block me like a bitch. Like I did ANYTHING but show up that day.

Meanwhile, this is all a week before your mother’s party.

Convenient, right? You had invited me to the party…

Damn honestly… yes, this is my work because… I am so hurt by this.

It is one month basically since we reconnected and you are blocking me for standing up for myself. The difference between Cheryl of 2019 and Cheryl for 2020 is that I have a very low tolerance for this bullshit. I’m proud of tha too.

How can I justify this pain over and over. The only thing that makes sense at this point is that it is easier to be distracted by moving forward and continue seeing you than actually deal with the pain of what is reality.