I’m back. Been a few days. Today is a bit dark for me. Day after Valentines day… yes a stupid fucking holiday. It is. But you can’t say it doesn’t have meaning. In the long run, it was the right thing to do, not spending the time together. It wouldn’t be right. We aren’t together and by the way you talk, no plans to work anything out or make any changes.

It’s just so confusing because you keep saying I love you and that you’d like to spend time with me and then don’t. The roses were amazing and so appreciated but I don’t understand it fully and it’s confusing a little. I wouldn’t have asked you NOT to send them I just… I don’t even understand how I feel and I don’t understand how you feel. You don’t talk to me.

But anyway, to continue our story….

SEPTEMBER 2020

There are some things that happened this month that were painful. August we spent time together. The whole time you are seeing The Teacher. Like, a lot. Again, sort of a stand in girlfriend. Why can’t you just be alone? Or hang out with non-romantic partners. I know it’s not fully non-romantic because of the cuddling and things you’ve said like she thought what you two were doing was more than what it is. Anyway, she is always there and I’m uncomfortable.

Leading up to September some big things happened for you. You left GNC to start full time at Greysons. Your hard work really paid off and I am SO proud of you. I was there when you got the news. You’re so sweet too because in the midst of your big moment, you were thinking of me and helped me get work with them too.

I want to take a moment here and tell you that, I love you so much. These troubles you caused by holding on to relationships with other women are the only problem I have with you. You don’t even lie about other things, to my knowledge. You were actually quite open with me. You cared about me in some ways, you encouraged my growth, you were proud of my success, you supported me, you would consistently do things on a daily bases you know I would like whether it be a snack or a hug or… whatever. In a lot of ways you were my perfect partner and in one big way you … well you know. Maybe you need to be this guy to several women so that you feel important and loved or …. I do not know…. what the fuck is it?

Anyway. So you get the big news, a big transition for you and it really could be a new beginning. It IS a new beginning, for you.

We are cycling through these times where we are ‘on’ then ‘off’ over and over. Its really hard and draining, for me. I don’t know about you.

Early September I invite you for my house for dinner. We are still reeling from all that has happened to us. Well, I am. I think you are in an emotional state but I don’t think it is from us. I feel this way because on this night when you came up, you were upset… about The Ex. Fucking again. Again. And again, I don’t want to talk about it. Do you think it’s fair that I don’t, yet? At this point I know more about what actually happened this year, that you lied, that you had her in your bed. When I try to tell you it hurts me… you tell me that I am making it all about me.

Well fuck, I wish something was about me at some point. It’s always other women and no clean slate just for us to be us.

At one point in August I looked at your tablet and on your calendar you had dates marked off when ‘The Friend’ would be coming into town. All of my fears, right there.

Nothing ever ends with you.

You’ve told me 5 or more times that you’re ‘done’ with The Friend and The Ex and over and over you keep bringing them back in, lying to me about it, fucking them, loving them, and on and on… When I am trying to work on mending our issues, you created more.

So we are getting close to the time when she is supposed to be here. And sure enough you see her. She comes to your house, you have sex with her, I’m sure it was so lovely…

The thing that hurts me the most about this is that YOU CALLED ME while you were with her. She is in your fucking bed. I was trying to get ahold of you and you ignored me all day then you called me back, after I said… fine have a great afternoon, i’m good. You call me, while she is there. You sit on the steps near your bedroom SO SHE CAN HEAR YOU TALKING… and you proceed to bull shit on the phone with me.

I think back at that call and you were saying things to try to minimize what we had and framing it in a way showing her that we just had a work relationship and that it wasn’t that serious. You knew she could here. I asked you in the beginning of the call, is she there, and you lied to me.

Why would you do that? You can be so incredibly so deceitful. You oftentimes ONLY think of yourself and what serves you in that moment. God that hurt so bad that night. It still hurts. Badly.

So a year after she called, the second time, there is still and issue with this fool. And it will continue to November as well. Fucking pathetic.

You block me. I block you. I’m broken.

By now, I’m really heading into the old trauma’s of my life but my energy and attention is consumed by our dramas. I am drowning in all of the pain associated with you and us and still trying to be strong to attack my old demons.

That day I was trying so vehemently to get you on the phone was because I was so upset about the childhood stuff, I just needed you and to talk to you for a bit. And you were busy fucking, her. So…

Really hurts. In September 2020 we are still arguing and creating pain about the same people. Over and over and over and over again…

I try to go on with my life. I’m not in a good place, expectedly. Weeks go by. My car breaks and I need a new one so I’m going through trying to find one, alone. Which is fine, I’m always alone. I could never truly rely on you since there was always some drama so I’m ok doing it alone. I’m happy with my purchase and feeling good.

I go see My Ex at this time. You have brought this up like it in anyway matches all that has happened with yours. We have one nice day together. He bought my old car so I had to bring him the title and deal with the business of that. If this is what happened with yours, I’d be able to manage it. Also, I never lied about it.

You consistently push me away by your actions. Why do you think I’ve kept coming back?

I always hoped for the best and always expected more.