I’ve been holding on to these passports for weeks now considering what to do. We started it together, twice now. We tried before… do you remember how that ended? Fuck I’m actually just remembering. We had a great day at vineyards and we were having dinner at the Station when I saw a text message from Jess. She was saying ‘I love you, baby’…. as you could assume that was damaging. I left you at the restaurant and ubered home. I think it was the right thing to do. I don’t like agruging in public so I left. You were driving and dropped by my house and left my things in the door way, my jacket and bag and whatnot. Shortly after that you blocked me and then took your TX friend to your mom’s fucking retirement party.

Fucking incredible. I am just remembering this. And here we are late February doing the same vineyards getting the same stupid stamps with the same bullshit problems.

Damn, I knew about this and remembered what happened but honestly I just didn’t remember that it was that close in timing, February 2020 and again February 2022. I just feel dumb.

The same issue separates us again this year. Same issue over and over and over again. I did FEEL like things were different and then the facts proved me wrong. Seeing the photo at your house engaged all my insecurities, obviously.

In retrospect, I suppose we are different people now… both trying to work on ourselves but its hard not to see the parallel and lack of changes from then to now.

We talked that Saturday then things went left Sunday when I asked you to come over then regretted it. I felt like I have felt so many other times with you, that something was off and you weren’t telling me everything. So I, in not such a kind way, told you not to come. I think setting a boundary in the way I did is completely acceptable. I did what was best for me. I did not want you to come. So by Monday, I reached out to you and wanted to at least have a dialog. My sensors were really going off and you weren’t even responded so I drive by hour house and there is your friend, in your driveway. Once again… .once again… you ignored me to prioritize her. Her being, which ever flavor of the month you decided to give attention too.

Because I saw that, her being there, I looked on Instagram and again see that she was with you at the vineyard, Stonington, when you vowed up and down that you went alone.

So…. yeah I’m done with all of this. I am so tired of it all.

If you are really working towards a better you, I hope you get there and hope you stop hurting people.

Think about the rejection you felt from ‘JUST ONE’ text message from me. Your actions, cheating and lying for years and years and consistently choosing other women over me has been incredibly damaging to my self worth, the way I see myself and you, how I feel about myself, how I move forward in dating… I have so much to work through now.

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I started this blog post because I know we started this passport adventure together and I have felt torn whether I will complete it or not. I wasn’t sure whether to just finish only my book or yours as well, I still have them both. I have felt like I’d be betraying you if I finish it or if I bring someone else and do it with them. Or how it would even feel being there, without you. I mean its going to suck anyway.

I’m going to finish the trail. I’m not going to miss out this time because of the same decisions that were made before.

I don’t think you care. You had plenty of time to ask for your book back. Clearly you don’t want it and don’t care about the book, or finishing it, or me. You could have even just RESPONDED to me.

It’s fine, there is nothing left to talk about. I mean I definitely had questions, why did you just bring her if you wanted to be with her… why is everything so complicated. Why even involve me in the mess again at all if you’re going to continue to entertain her too. Why?

I don’t have time for it and I’ve given you all my love a long time. I will die one day and I don’t want to spend my life loving someone and waiting for them when they see me as an option and they keep other relationships with many other women. I want and deserve a man who knows they found someone of value and can’t live without me and then act in a way where I’d never doubt him.

I feel confident knowing that I couldn’t have possibly given any more of me, to you.

I hope I win a prize, i think I deserve it.