A year and some days.

I’m disappointed in myself and mad at myself more than anything. One year ago I’m making a post about the wine trail and how of course we ended because of another woman, and I’m writing the post reflect (2022) on how two years before that, it was the same story, you, another woman and that drama, and me. How can I even have any negative reaction towards you when it is evident you will never change and I continue to put myself in this position, with you. And here I am, just another woman hurt by you, writing a letter.

Enough, is, enough. I am done.

One year ago I also made an appointment to go on an anti depressants. I’m grateful I ended things and I was concise when I told you I don’t want to see you again and why. Anyone should understand. I don’t have any regret in saying that. No one should be lied to like you did to me. I’m grateful I feel more like myself today. I am glad I am seeing the efforts of the work I put in to myself pay off and know what I deserve and what I do not.

In December this started. And yes, I was the reason we saw each other this year. When I reached out first back in January, it is my impulse to do so. It is not why you think, I assume you think it’s because you’re easy to use or take advantage of. It’s not that. It’s because you always bring such a high level of comfort to me. False comfort in the long run, but when I’m in that moment of sadness or worry, your presence helped. I don’t feel bad reaching out, you admittedly, also wanted to see me. Why should I feel bad in asking? And we had good visits and talking. I know it wouldn’t go anywhere, so did you, so what is the harm?

You like to develop this persona of someone who is always giving and giving… not entirely true. You only give me what I ask for when you know I’m vulnerable, you don’t give me what I truly wish or deserve. You do not truly go out of your way to do for me. You serve yourself first, then others. Even coming to my aide, as we discussed, was you serving yourself.

In general, I understand you do like to be helpful, and it felt good to help. I understand that. I also know, that you know, when I’m vulnerable and need someone, I know you like to be there for me. And I appreciate it. All the things I mention here, do not make you a victim. You know that I can meet someone at any time and that you have limited time with me. You know what you’ve done. In the event you forgot the main points of you and I over the past year, I’ve listed them below.

A wild fucking year. I don’t want this anymore. I admit to the fault I own on reaching out to see you, ever, after I’ve said that I don’t want to see you again. I won’t do it again. Next time I’m feeling vulnerable, I will not call you. I’ve already resisted a few times calling you in the past weeks. This is what you want, I understand. I apologize for my part in dragging things along.

2022:

January – We ran into each other at the Hub

February – We are talking again. Decide to start the wine trail. I go to your house and I see a sweet picture of you and Amanda in your house. Of course, you’re lying. I need space again, I’m hurt again. Of course, as soon as we start see each other and then this. I shouldn’t have continued. I’m already depressed, I need good people in my life… not this.

March – We ‘make up’ again and we go to Groton, you did a nice job of planning a get away. Well, it would have been nice if I weren’t just a placeholder that any woman could be placed. Engine room, Hilton, and of course Deviant Donuts. smh All month you’re claiming you are seeing a therapist. lies. I try to dress in lingerie… you know how it ends
Fucking April comes to town … again you lie.

April- no contact

May – You reach out and I want the distraction. I miss you so I see you. we start hanging out. You come to my house on Jess’s birthday and she calls you constantly all night. drama.. Again in May I ask for space and to move on because… see above.. nothing changes

June – I reach out. I wanted to see the movie, we start talking. I’m inquiry about Sean’s birthday. I want to be there for you. I WANT to be there WITH you but so much deep damage has been done that I have nothing else to give you. you destroyed things. I’m in a lot of my own pain, I need kind and supportive people around me. However, you claim you needed me when you had Jess, April, and Amanda… you were lying constantly about being with her…. constantly ..

July – out of nowhere you post on your social media happy birthday to me… Did I like it. yes. did it make sense… hell no. I just don’t understand. I’ve starting having migraines. The pain I’m dealing with with my family and mom is at a all time high. In this moment, you’re still lying to me about Amanda. do you think i needed extra fuckboy bullshit drama? I did not.

August – we just argue all month. Due to all of the drama. Nothing changes, all the same lies, nothing will change

Sept – I still tried seeing you. You spend the night one night and in the morning I see your phone and messages from so many women. so many. Amanda saying I love you king handsome. You are still lying. You helped me with Lu a few times. I did appreciate that. It seemed genuine. Sept. 14 was my favorite day of the year. We went to the beach and had drinks and swam and played… I just loved it. I just came across the pictures. I would share them but you’d just delete them anyway. Of course it ends badly.

October – I ask you to watch Lu. AGAIN you lie about Amanda. nothing changes. over and over lies for no reason. this was oct 5. I stop speaking to you. You can imagine why. I start dating again and i’m moving on, finally.

November – So now you reach out saying you want to speak to me and you vow that you want things to be different and your willing to do the work. I stress this is the last chance for us. So I give it a try. November was great spending time with you. I see you trying… I’m trying to believe it

December – I feel good about us and I want to commit and I want the other characters out of the picture so we can give it a good legitimate chance. I look at your phone one morning and Jess is saying I love you and Amanda is all over your accounts planning for Spring and calling you.. babe. I end things. Again, i go through the holidays, alone. You weren’t, I was alone.

That is the snapshot of us 2022… do you sense a theme? I do. Even when you were saying you would do anything it takes for us to work out, you lied about the same people and the same things.

Throughout the first few months of 2023 I do spend some time with you. I do miss you. For someone to stick by you and want things to work out after all the bullshit, see above, I still find it incredibly difficult to let the idea of us go. Finally, in March 2023 I tell you, again, I don’t want to see you again.

It is the right thing to do, let go. You and I aren’t even a real thing… its all fake. I’ve been sharing you with so many other women since day 1. Look at all the lying you’ve done.

I will never understand why you treat people the way you do. Especially treat me that way. I don’t understand someone loving me and treating me so badly.

I’m truly working on trying to understand WHY I let myself be loved by you, they way you did. I let you in my life to let you love me, very poorly, for way way too long.

I need to let you go. I need to be loved correctly, honestly, and truly. I need and deserve to be loved the way I love. I loved you unconditionally hoping you would want to be a better person, for yourself, and in turn, try to be a good man to me. You failed over and over.

I’m having an overwhelming amount of emotion today because of you blocking me. I wouldn’t have done that. Maybe I’m not strong enough. Maybe I just dont see the point. Regardless. It is done, I like the no contact. It will give me a chance to heal, finally. Hopefully I will finally find peace in regard to you and these years of tears and pain and drama. I need that and deserve it.

I just hope it is finally over.